Christmas emotions

You're gently perusing the cupboard hoping for a biscuit. Perhaps a half-eaten bag of crisps. It's forty minutes until dinner and there's no way you can make it. Then you happen upon 

A Christmas mirage. 

A Christmas miracle, 

A Christmas Miragicle:

A forgotten box of spies!

But then you get all middle aged and PC and you find this:

 

Briefly you wrestle with the dilemma until you remember your new apron:

It's time like these when you realise you still live on the edge.

Social Extrication

Twelve hours into the New Year and I was inwardly congratulating myself on not having switched on the TV, thereby not having exposed myself to any eye chewing gum; viewing for the sake of it rather than watching because I want to watch something in particular. The congratulations were short-lived when I realised that both my wife and I were side-by-side, phone-in-hand, most likely both on Facebook as our toddler played at our feet.

Steven's Cat

My child arrived just the other day,
Came to the world in an emergency way,
I've had a plane to catch, bills to pay,
Hope she's learned to sleep while I've been away.
Somehow I doubt it, I'm only gone two days, she thinks "I'm going to sleep like Mum, Dad, you know I'm going to sleep like Mum."

And next door's cat's on the wander, doesn't want to leave too soon, Wonky's got an airplane, her sister: a man on the moon.
When you coming home, Dad?
I do know when,
We'll have a good time then.
You know we'll have a good time then.

My daughter's turning two in a couple of days.
So excited about her party, she can't wait for Sunday.
"Could you come for a dance?"
I replied "what, today?"
She took me by the hand and showed me the way.
We went to the studio and she pointed to the machine.
"I want Daddy's song, Dad, please I have Daddy's song on?"

And the cat's in the window, wondering why he can't come in. He's moved next door, helps control the vermin.
"Can I see a train, Dad? Won't you stop working?
I'd like to see a little train.
You know I'd love to see a train."

Soon enough it'll be Christmas Eve, Santa Claus's visit and the fête of Saint Steve.
We've a tree to find and Pogues to sing, an excited daughter's joy for us to delight in.
Squeak doesn't know what's coming,  sure she's only three weeks. She'll enjoy it all the same and will love all the treats. She'll sure love all the lights, though, she'll really love all the lights.

And as I come into land, so nearly home, I know I'll be with all my girls soon. We'll have a great time soon.

Old bag

I don't remember if I actually heard this on the radio or whether it was on a sketch show. I like to think I imagined it and therefore came up with it myself but I can't claim that. Whatever the truth is, it didn't matter greatly and if I'm infringing someone's copyright then I whole heartedly apologise and will send you a banker's draft for 50% of all profits I make from this post.

Hello, Ireland

"Hi, how are ya?"

You'll soon learn to respond with a similar greeting but whatever you do don't answer the question; if you do, you'll quickly get used to the spot-the-tourist smirk and you'll never be able to quite escape the feeling that 10% has just been added to your bill or the suspicion that a carrier bag can't really cost 70 cents. But you can't question it and you were the one who answered the question that is never answered.