Barrister Banka Johnson and the Arctic Monkeys - Episode 1

from:      Lord Steven Rawbone confidentially.rawbone@gmail.com

to:         bjohnson00@hotmail.fr, johnsonbanka00@gmail.com
date:      6 December 2012 11:19
subject:  Mr.P.Rawbone and family

Barrister Banka Johnson, Sire.

How very pleased I am to have received your kind message via the medium of Facebook. Ordinarily, my mind is very suspicious of unsolicited communications and there are even times when I have barely given them a passing thought, before deleting without even taking the courtesy to reply. However, on this occasion I am confident that your communication is both heart-warming and heartfelt. And with nothing but the kindest of intentions. And, perhaps dare I say it, love.

I had thought to click through to your Facebook profile in the hope of seeing the kind eyes belonging to you, the true hero of altruism. At first I was a little surprised to find that your profile could not be found. I must admit, dear Barrister Banka Johnson, for a fleeting moment I considered that your account had been deleted by the evil Facebook barons and that perhaps yours was one of those Nigerian scams of which one hears from time to time. I am sincerely embarrassed that I should ever think this of you, Barrister Banka Johnson for I have realized that you have been extremely prudent in removing yourself from such an open, public domain for fear of receiving unsolicited communications which would distract you from your path of righteousness and your given goal in life: to ensure the rightful repatriation of Mr.P.Rawbone’s estate. Having consulted with the kind people at Google Maps, I have also realized that you are from Togo and this is almost nowhere near Nigeria so how could this be one of those Nigerian scams! I am still red-faced now for thinking such thoughts.

You are from Togo, a fine upstanding nation, squeezed in between Benin, Ghana and Burkina Faso. While I have travelled significantly on the Indian subcontinent as part of my research into the indigenous Arctic Monkeys, I am embarrassed to admit that I have not visited your country nor do I know much about the fine people, lands and traditions. The extent of my knowledge of your fine homeland is brief: from the jumping and dancing troupe, popular in the mid-1970s, The Togo Pogo Gogo Girls to one of the finest footballers since the great David Carroll, Mr Emmanuel Adebayor. I have followed Mr Adebayor’s career since he was in the super-rich tax haven of Monaco from his multimillion pound move to Arsenal football club then his multimillion pound move to Manchester City. After this he had a multimillion pound loan move to Real Madrid before a multimillion pound move to his current employers, Tottenham Hotspur Football Club. Do you know what this tells me, dear Barrister Banka Johnson? This tells me that the people of Togo are extremely selfless, enjoy dancing and jumping in flares whilst looking after their offshore tax-free accounts.

Mr Barrister Banka Johnson, you are prudent. You are discreet. And I like you. Perhaps one day we will look back on these first communications between ourselves and smile at the formality with which they were conducted. Maybe our grandchildren will play together and, who knows!, maybe there will be a wedding which will unite our families. My youngest granddaughter – Nora – is approaching her teenage years and while she is no oil painting and has a questionable approach to personal hygiene, she has one redeeming feature. Actually, she has two! One: she is single and it doesn’t look like that will change in the near future and two: she is about to become a fabulously wealthy heiress! She’s quite a catch.

Now, I can avoid the subject no longer for I do openly admit that I have been skirting around the very delicate nature of your letter with happy thoughts of the future union of the Banka Johnson Rawbones. But skirt no more can I for the news is staring me in the face: Mr.P.Rawbone is dead. Mr Barrister Banka Johnson, forgive me for I do not a tear shed but I suspect this is down to shock and the emotions will flow later. Mr Barrister Banka Johnson, please clarify one detail which is worrying to me: you say

“my deceased client-late Mr.P.Rawbone who died with his family”

By this, do you mean that he died with his family by his side, holding his hand as he slipped peacefully into God’s hands (or Allah’s, or those of another fictional best friend), perhaps with a smile on his face as he breathed his last, followed by a solemn yet collective thought that he had had a fine innings and he was in the rightful place?

Or do you mean the Mr.P.Rawbone died along with all of his family, thereby leaving no other descendants who would be entitled to his fortune?

I think we both know which is preferable. The fewer next-of-kins there are, the fatter my bank balance will be.

Naturally I am saddened by the passing of Mr.P.Rawbone, with or without his entire family and I have just spoken with my great aunt to see if my memories of sitting on Mr.P.Rawbone’s lap, playing softly softly catchy monkey are correct. She seems to think that it was with Uncle Jimmy who encouraged such shenanigans. Fun times! So, to summarize I have no memory of Mr.P.Rawbone nor any of his family. Do you think this will cause any issue in presenting me as the next of kin to the Bank?

If I am to be presented to the Bank, do you think I should wear a bow-tie? I would presume that Mr.P.Rawbone wore one at least six days a week for the Rawbones are known for their impeccable dress sense, topped off with a dapper bow-tie. Forgive me for asking what may appear to be such mundane detail, however I am familiar with certain customs and traditions being greatly offended by the simple bow-tie. I will not go into detail but there are several countries in Far East Asia which no longer welcome me as a visitor, possibly because of the bow-tie I was sporting when attempting to leave with a suitcase full of Charlie!

I digress and forgive me once again but it is surely down to the nervous excitement occasioned by the fabulous news which you have imparted. Tell me, my dear friend, Barrister Banka Johnson, what must I do so that sipping celebratory champagne in the finest restaurant which Lomé (thanks, Google!) has to offer is no longer a dream but a reality? We will toast Mr.P.Rawbone and his entire family with finest Louis Vuitton and eat the very finest Tesco, before performing the Rawbongo in Mr.P.Rawbone’s honour.

I will look forward greatly to your sincerest reply and await anticipatorily.

With the very kindest of regards,

Mr.S.Rawbone

----On 4 December 2012 13:46, Johnson Banka wrote:

Dear One,

It might be a surprise to you reading from me now. I am Barrister Banka Johnson, a legal practitioner from Republic of Togo.I am looking for the possible beneficiary to the deposited funds of my deceased client-late Mr.P.Rawbone who died with his family, I decided to contact you hence I know that you bear the same surname with him. I seek your consent and assistance in repatriating money left behind by him before it gets confiscated or declared serviceable by the Bank. The deposit is valued Six Million, Five Hundred Thousand United States Dollars only and it is lodged with Bank.

The Bank has issued me an ultimatum to present the next-of-kin of the deceased to inherit the funds or have the account declared serviceable. I hereby seek your consent to present you to the Bank as next-of-kin of the deceased, so that the proceeds of this account valued of the said fund can be transferred to you as inheritance.

I have necessary legal information which in legal terms are supposed to be known by me and this will I relate to you to support the claim of the inheritance from the Bank. All I require is your honest co-operations to enable us see the transaction through. I guarantee that the transaction will be executed under a legitimate arrangement that will protect you from any breach of the law.

I will appreciate you contact me through one of the email address giving to you for more detail and to your better understanding way forward to the claim process.Email: bjohnson00 @hotmail.fr or johnsonbanka00 @gmail.com

Thanks,
Banka Johnson.