Little Wonk

Dear Loops,

Where on earth did that go? We were counting in weeks; then months and now it's fractions. Somehow you are now a quarter! I'm not really up on all the percentile information which most would agree is a bit strange for me as usually I'm the one doing the math. All I know is that you're doing well, growing as expected and that you're tall. No surprise there then.

Hole

I know what you're thinking. MG.C, you mm have to be aah one of the most mm tolerant people I've never met aah.

Mm you befriended Banka Barrister Johnson mm and went so far as mm to propose marriage mm between your fictitious grandchildren mm. The one thing mm that nobody would mm say about you is that mm you are intolerant. Mm.

And you'd be right. Aah. I'd consider myself aah to be tolerant and a champion of the underdog. Aah. I Iived in Wales. Aah. And France. Mm. I support Wycombe Wanderers. Aah. I've served my time. Aah.

But as I sit here on the H22 to Richmond Manor Circus mm and the woman mm in front of me aah cannot get a word in edgeways with the person to aah whom she is on the phone and therefore mm compensates by liberally pebble-dashing the silence aah with mms mm and aahs mm, I envisage nothing more aah than shoving one of those mm foil-trayed Highland Toffees from the eighties into her tedious mouth mm.

My own fault. I should have realised as it's only two days since I sat in front of the same aah woman going in the opposite direction. I know what you're thinking; H22 to Hounslow Bell Corner. Eh eugh. 490 to Heathrow. Terminal 5. Aah.

Anecdotal Evidence: Idiocy, Overheard. An infrequently updated blog of the stupidity my ears encounter while out and about

1.5 Minutes of Your Life That You Won't See Again*

*this is the correct amount of time that you should waste reading the drivel that follows. This figure is accurately calculated by this blogger's own reading speed, coupled with the correct intonation and stumbling over the complex alliteration in the fourth paragraph. My phone rang during the fifth paragraph and therefore for authenticity, you should re-commence from the start of paragraph four, allowing additional time for the alliterative stumble. If you have finished sooner and are thinking of having a cup of tea, a bowl of cereal or watching a series of 24 with your spare time then may I suggest you have read too fast and should start again from the beginning? Whatever you do, do not waste additional time re-reading this asterisked paragraph as it does not count towards the sum total the second time you read it. Now hurry up, the Go has already, set and gone and you're twenty-seven seconds behind.

Press one for yes, zero for no.

Dear Loops,

Jeez you gave us a scare, pretending you've got a Kango hammer without telling us. Still, you know there's nothing we like to do more than visit as many acronyms in as short a space of time as possible. QMH, KHMU and TGE in the space of 24 hours is something of a new record for us. Oh, AOK, too. That's the important one.

Oh, David. Really?

Dear Dave,

I assume that, like me, you are preparing for your sojourn to the fête this afternoon in which ever quaint little village you reside. Or perhaps you're pretending to be down with the proletariat, donning a pair of comedy shades and a whistle and heading for Nattin Eel?