Friday, 27 September 2013

Anecdotal Evidence: Idiocy, Overheard. An infrequently updated blog of the stupidity my ears encounter while out and about

1.5 Minutes of Your Life That You Won't See Again*

*this is the correct amount of time that you should waste reading the drivel that follows. This figure is accurately calculated by this blogger's own reading speed, coupled with the correct intonation and stumbling over the complex alliteration in the fourth paragraph. My phone rang during the fifth paragraph and therefore for authenticity, you should re-commence from the start of paragraph four, allowing additional time for the alliterative stumble. If you have finished sooner and are thinking of having a cup of tea, a bowl of cereal or watching a series of 24 with your spare time then may I suggest you have read too fast and should start again from the beginning? Whatever you do, do not waste additional time re-reading this asterisked paragraph as it does not count towards the sum total the second time you read it. Now hurry up, the Go has already, set and gone and you're twenty-seven seconds behind.

"Stoopid. I know how to spell stoopid. s. t. o. o. p. i. d. I know she said it's stewpid but that's stoopid; she's stoopid. How could it be s. t. eeee? uuuuu? er... Look, I don't know how she spells it but that just makes her stoopid. Not me. There are two Os. She's such a slag."
"Hello, Mrs Jessup. Is Stephen in?"
"Steeeeeephen. Steeeeephen. There's a boy here to see you. Steeeeephen, Steeeeeephen, I've got the baby to atteeend tooo."
The front door is left wide open but Stephen does not appear. He's not coming. Not today. He's by the dual carriage way, high up on the bank with his mother's trousers atop a makeshift pole, dancing to the sound of the traffic.

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