Friday, 18 October 2013

Hole

I know what you're thinking. MG.C, you mm have to be aah one of the most mm tolerant people I've never met aah.

Mm you befriended Banka Barrister Johnson mm and went so far as mm to propose marriage mm between your fictitious grandchildren mm. The one thing mm that nobody would mm say about you is that mm you are intolerant. Mm.

And you'd be right. Aah. I'd consider myself aah to be tolerant and a champion of the underdog. Aah. I Iived in Wales. Aah. And France. Mm. I support Wycombe Wanderers. Aah. I've served my time. Aah.

But as I sit here on the H22 to Richmond Manor Circus mm and the woman mm in front of me aah cannot get a word in edgeways with the person to aah whom she is on the phone and therefore mm compensates by liberally pebble-dashing the silence aah with mms mm and aahs mm, I envisage nothing more aah than shoving one of those mm foil-trayed Highland Toffees from the eighties into her tedious mouth mm.

My own fault. I should have realised as it's only two days since I sat in front of the same aah woman going in the opposite direction. I know what you're thinking; H22 to Hounslow Bell Corner. Eh eugh. 490 to Heathrow. Terminal 5. Aah.

Friday, 27 September 2013

Anecdotal Evidence: Idiocy, Overheard. An infrequently updated blog of the stupidity my ears encounter while out and about


1.5 Minutes of Your Life That You Won't See Again*

*this is the correct amount of time that you should waste reading the drivel that follows. This figure is accurately calculated by this blogger's own reading speed, coupled with the correct intonation and stumbling over the complex alliteration in the fourth paragraph. My phone rang during the fifth paragraph and therefore for authenticity, you should re-commence from the start of paragraph four, allowing additional time for the alliterative stumble. If you have finished sooner and are thinking of having a cup of tea, a bowl of cereal or watching a series of 24 with your spare time then may I suggest you have read too fast and should start again from the beginning? Whatever you do, do not waste additional time re-reading this asterisked paragraph as it does not count towards the sum total the second time you read it. Now hurry up, the Go has already, set and gone and you're twenty-seven seconds behind.

Press one for yes, zero for no.

Dear Loops,

Jeez you gave us a scare, pretending you've got a Kango hammer without telling us. Still, you know there's nothing we like to do more than visit as many acronyms in as short a space of time as possible. QMH, KHMU and TGE in the space of 24 hours is something of a new record for us. Oh, AOK, too. That's the important one.

Monday, 26 August 2013

Oh, David. Really?

Dear Dave,

I assume that, like me, you are preparing for your sojourn to the fĂȘte this afternoon in which ever quaint little village you reside. Or perhaps you're pretending to be down with the proletariat, donning a pair of comedy shades and a whistle and heading for Nattin Eel?

Monday, 20 May 2013

Power Cut

We're in the midst of a power cut. Well, I say 'we' but that's very much a collective 'me on my own plus unknown muffled voices down the street, presumably talking about the Blitz and having to fetch water from a tap in the street and how you don't get summers like you used to do you no you don't'.

Wednesday, 8 May 2013

Auld fellas overheard.

Auld fella Suited: Sure, I listen to the radio all the time. You know the Today Programme on Radio 4?
Auld fella Capped: Now, I wouldn't be one for the radio. I'm a TV man.
Auld fella Suited: Eastenders and Coronation Street and all that shite?
Auld fella Capped: Noooo. I wouldn't have time for all that shite. I'm a film man. I love a John Wayne, a cowboy film, ya know?
Auld fella Suited: Gay.

Wednesday, 17 April 2013

Gran flew out of the cuckoo's nest

'I'm blind. Well, I'm partially blind. Ooh, David Coulthard!'

Six years after entering her nursing home, two years after losing my Grandpa and too much time spent playing extra time, my Gran finally won her penalty shoot out.

Three weeks after she finally got her wish, today was a day for the family to get together and reminisce following an emotional hour in St Peter's, hearing some anecdotes and failing to sing along to the hymns as the words were blurred by tears.

There's a strong emotional reaction when you suddenly realise you're one generation closer to the top. And a stronger realisation that when you get there and it's time for you to hand over the reins then you want to do it quickly. Goodbyes should be swift and sharp and not drawn out, seemingly endlessly.

So today, Grandma finally has her peace. This is something of a comfort - 'it's what she would have wanted' - but doesn't make it that much easier. In time it will. But not today.

So, as I get ready for a celebration with family who I rarely see, I will remember Grandma as the adopted Irish girl whose eyes sparkled until the end, who was blind, well partially blind, ooh its David Coulthard.

Thanks, Grandma. We miss you.

Friday, 15 February 2013

Silent heckling

Last night, I was taken out on a Mystery Valentine's Surprise Date.
The mystery was not in the date itself; I knew I was going and I knew
who I was going with. This much was not mysterious.

Monday, 11 February 2013

The Papal Position

Dear Benedict,

Forgive me, first of all for writing to you directly on a day when you have, in all likelihood, a few other things on your mind. 

Monday, 28 January 2013

Anja and Banka - Heroes

Dear Anja,

It is with great delight that I opened my mailbox this morning. It is something which I look forward to each and every morning and even more so today when discovering you had emailed.

While we do not know each other yet and others may treat such unsolicited emails with suspicion, I embrace the contact and think of you as a friend I have not yet met.