Press one for yes, zero for no.

Dear Loops,

Jeez you gave us a scare, pretending you've got a Kango hammer without telling us. Still, you know there's nothing we like to do more than visit as many acronyms in as short a space of time as possible. QMH, KHMU and TGE in the space of 24 hours is something of a new record for us. Oh, AOK, too. That's the important one.

You've also taught us some invaluable lessons whilst scrolling through the alphabet, not least what to expect when the time comes. And you've given me a new surefire multigazillion pound winning idea to pitch to the dragons: A&E IVR.

- Triage. Midwife speaking. Please enter your hospital number.
- I'm sorry the number is not recognised.  Please enter your date of birth.
- Thank you. Your due date is Nine. Th. December. Two thousand and. Thirteen. Is that correct? Press one for yes, zero for no.
- Have your waters broken? Press one for yes, zero for no.
- Your waters. Have. Broken. Are you experiencing contractions? Press one for yes, zero for no.
- You. Are. Experiencing contractions. Are they of one minute duration  where you are unable to talk? Press one for yes, zero for no.
- They. Are. Of one minute duration and you. Are. Unable to talk during them. Are they numbering three in ten minutes?
Press one for yes, zero for no.
- I'm sorry, I did not understand that. If your contractions are not totalling three in ten minutes where you are unable to speak, please hang up and call back when they are. In the meantime, why not clean the house or bake a cake? The duty midwife's preference is. Chocolate.
If your contractions are totalling three in ten minutes where you are not able to speak, please hang up and proceed to the hospital. If you are a private patient, please press #.

Midwife shortages will be fixed and chocolate cake tax will fix the ailing economy. This time next year, Little Loops, we'll be gazillonnaires.

I'm oot.