Wednesday, 8 February 2012

Job application

From: MG.C 
Date: 8 February 2012 21:06
Subject: Application for the position of Manager, Team England

Dear Mr Bernstein,

It is with a mixture of emotions that I have just learnt of the precipitous departure of Mr Fabio Capello from the employ of the Football Association and it is for this reason that I am contacting you directly. Speaking as an England fan, first and foremost and a highly successful manager a close second, I can confirm that I am announcing my intention to postulate for the post of England Team Manager.
I note with interest that the Football Association website ( has not yet been updated with details concerning the position. Possibly you are still in meetings, crossing the eyes and dotting the teas to finalize Mr Capello’s leaving drinks and you are undoubtedly planning a festive evening in one of Wembley’s premier establishments. I am therefore hoping to jump the queue to be shortlisted in second place, behind Mr Redknapp Snr. I appreciate that you will be receiving six or seven, perhaps nine, applications from similarly qualified individuals and I would therefore like to save you the pain of searching for my telephone number as I have recently changed networks and my number has not yet been transferred from one to the other.

Firstly, I have committed to attend a wedding on Friday June 8th in Greece and had planned a holiday to follow. I am sure we can find a happy medium as regards the France game on Monday the 11th. Maybe we can switch the venue to the Olympiakos Stadium or perhaps we can look at postponing the game to the following week? I will be flying back into Gatwick on Friday 15th and will be available to join up with Camp England the following day. Unfortunately I will not be available on the evening of the 15th as it is my father’s birthday and the table has already been booked in the local Harvester restaurant.

I am quite sure that my credentials speak for themselves so I will not labour the point of stressing what you already know. However, there are a few items to which I would like to draw your attention: you will be perfectly aware of my unblemished character, career record and pearly-white teeth so I will save me the embarrassment and you the pleasure of re-reading tomes and tomes of my achievements both on and off the pitch.

I am able to provide my own England shirt. I lovingly purchased the red away shirt on the eve of the Sweden match in 2006. Not being a superstitious sort, I swore never to wear the shirt again until Mickey Owen recovered from his horrendous injury and was restored to his rightful place, leading England’s attack. I did include a mental caveat at the time which allowed me to don the shirt once more, the day that I was required to smile for the cameras as I was photographed shaking your hand to commemorate the start of my successful reign. Now, a wonderful twist of fate means that I am able to fulfill both these prophecies.

My first car was a Vauxhall Nova and this will sit beautifully with the fact that this fine car manufacturer is a key supporter of the football associations of Wales, Scotland, Northern Ireland and England. It is somewhat ironic that barely two months after tearfully waving goodbye to my second and last Vauxhall (this time, an Astra) I will now undoubtedly be presented with my very own, shiny new company car from the very same manufacturer. Unaware of my impending rise to the helm of HMS England – my shipping heritage often leads me to navally romanticize – I find myself unprepared in terms of choosing my new chariot though would be happy with something akin to the Cavalier of old.

As you can appreciate, I am the ideal candidate for this position and have perhaps embarrassed you somewhat as tears of joy undeniably fall from your sculpted chin into your crème brulée as the relief seeps through your veins and makes your ears ring out with the sounds of excitement.

You will appreciate that whilst providing you with the perfect solution and fulfilling some of your wildest dreams, I will also come with some quite stringent demands of my own. My years of managing in a variety of countries around the world have taught me to overcome my British reservedness and I will therefore have no qualms in writing my wishlist in a succinctly bulleted fashion. The next few lines will be written in a broad and brash American accent:
  • I will insist on free parking for my Cavalier on matchdays at Wembley.
  • One pair of complimentary (or subsidized) tickets for each and every England match. These will be for my assistant manager and myself. By way of gratitude, we will gladly fund the provision of half-time teas for the entire coaching staff.
  • A pint of semi skimmed milk.
  • A tracksuit with my initials on the left lapel and right buttock.
  • Reimubursement of petrol costs at 41 pence per mile or 24.5 pence per kilometre (depending on whether I am driving to a game in England or not in England). Please note that should I be driving in the United States of America, I will expect to be reimbursed for gas on a per mile basis, and not petrol.
  • Late start every Thursday morning to accommodate my pilates class.
  • A sheepskin jacket for post-match interviews.
  • Provision of a mobile telephone to be used when working outside of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland, to avoid exorbitant international roaming charges.
  • Priority boarding passes for all airline bookings.
  • Premium Economy travel (where available).
  • 23 days’ annual leave. Yearly.
  • Days in lieu for bank holidays worked.
  • Time and a half at weekends.
  • A go on Question of Sport, ideally on Tuffers’ team.
I will now revert to my usual English tones for the remainder of this letter.

Mr Bernstein. David. May I call you David, Mr Bernstein? We will be working closely in the near future so I feel an air of familiarity is something which we should promote. Perhaps I should refer to you as ‘My Lord’ as surely it is just a matter of time! Perhaps Her Royal Majesty, The Queen, will honour you in her 60th Birthday Honours List, this St George’s Day. If I am wrong, I do not want to be right.

Mr Bernstein, My Lord David, I would very much like to thank you for your attention these past few minutes and sincerely look forward to your call to inform me of the time and location of our press photo call. I am available all day tomorrow (after pilates) and will be at your beck and call for the remainder of the morning and almost all of the afternoon.


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