Sunday, 25 December 2011


Jesus Christ it's hot. Maybe I'm blaspheming; maybe I'm
grammatically-incorrectly informing the big JHC of the temperature;
maybe I'm wondering whether you can be blasphemous if you don't
believe in JC, aitch or no aitch. Maybe I need to stop analysing
everything I write as it slows the story down.

Billy Connolly. He has nothing to do with this blog and he has only
just sprung to mind. He would/does/will tell a story which is
relatively simple. For example, in one of his earlier live sets from
when I was around eight or nine (perhaps not one of his earliest sets
but one of the earlier ones where his brogue had softened enough for
my non-Scottish ears to pick up sufficient words to understand), he
told a story which can be summarised thus:

1. Went to the football.
2. It was a local derby.
3. Strange twist of fate: ended up in with the opposing fans.
4. They bullied him into getting Bovril, several times.
5. They took his shoe from him to ensure he'd return with the Bovril.
6. Each time he returned and was given his shoe, there'd be a huge
jobby in it (his word, not mine).
7. Forced to put it on.
8. Game ends.
9. Bullied fan interviewed by local news and asked about the
difficulties of rivalries and fighting between fans.
10. Punchline: there will be no harmony between fans while they're
shitting in our shoes and we are pissing in their Bovril.

Ten lines for one joke. Probably took you a minute to read it? Not
even? Well done, have an apple. Slower? You're going to have to move
your finger quicker along the screen.

Billy Connolly spent the best part of 30 minutes telling this one joke
due to the number of tangents he departed on. He's known for this and
is very good at it. I should imagine that he either writes enough
material to cover 20 minutes and then naturally stretches it out to
the full 90 of a live set or he writes for 90 and the audience has to
call home to extend the baby-sitter to the following morning.

It appears that I suffer from the same affliction. While cosine and
sine are among my top three trigonometric functions, tangent seems to
be my number one.

So anyway. It's hot. I wouldn't expect it to be. Merry Christmas.

1 comment:

  1. L.ousy E.nglishmanabroud V.oyeur28 December 2011 at 10:52

    Quality writing. Just haven't worked out the title meaning. Some help for the lesser minds please?!


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